Steelers Fan Talks Shit in Bears Bar – Gets Poisoned

PITTSBURGH – A Steelers fan, left blind and living with brain damage, says the effects were the result of being poisoned at a Chicago bar following a game in September.  “I haven’t been able to see. I’ve basically been blind for two months,” said Zack Heddinger. Heddinger told Channel 4 Action News anchor Michelle Wright that he and a few friends went to a bar following the Steelers’ 17-14 loss to the Bears at Soldier Field on Sept. 20. Heddinger said he and his friends were trash talking with Bears fans inside Kitty O’Shea’s, but can’t remember what else happened.”Basically, I guess, my buddies had gotten into an altercation and they offered a drink as a peacemaker from what I understand,” said Heddinger.  Not long after taking the drink, Heddinger passed out and was rushed to a nearby hospital, his heart stopping four times. “They thought it was antifreeze or something like that …because it was so strong,” said Heddinger.   Doctors suspect his drink may have been spiked with toxic grain alcohol.”I don’t think they tried to kill me. I think they tried to hurt me, but the killing came pretty close,” said Heddinger.

Let me share with you a quick story.  2006 NFC Divisional Playoff Game.  Bears vs Seahawks, Soldier Field.  Seattle fan four rows in front of us is wearing a plastic Seahawks helmet he’s probably had since he was a kid.  Long story short, by the middle of the 2nd QTR the face mask was ripped off and the helmet was smashed to pieces….while it was still on the dude’s head.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times — if you’re not from Chicago, you don’t come here and talk shit.  You just don’t do it.  I mean, what was this silly son-of-a-bitch Steelers fan thinking?  Its CHICAGO!!  We beat the shit out of each other arguing over Cubs / Sox.  Can you imagine what we do to outsiders?  Forget about the gangs and the mob for a second, there is nothing scarier than a bunch of pissed off South-Side Pollacks with no future.  And what a goober, falling for the free peacemaker drink spiked with antifreeze.  Oldest trick in the book my friend.  This guy is LUCKY he’s not dead.  And let me assure you, if the Bears had lost 17-14 instead of won, he would be.  Let this just serve as a lesson to all the other wise-ass, shit- talking visitors out there — you run your mouth here and you head home missing an ear or not being able to screw or something.  And that’s if you’re lucky.

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Cleveland Rocks

The Browns are to me what fat chicks are to Mark Grace — SlumpBusters.  For those of you not familiar, the Cubs All-Star 1st Baseman had a sure fire way to break himself out of a dreaded slump.  He would find the biggest broad in the bar and bang her like a screen door in a hurricane.  He swore by it, even encouraged other teammates to do the same.  And based on some of the Cubs teams of the 90’s, there must have been a whole lotta big girls gettin’ a whole bunch of lovin’.

The point is, the Browns are my slumpbuster.  After another disasterours Sunday, I found myself scrapng the bottom of the barrel Monday evening, looking for anyway to salvage my week.  And what did I find?  The bloated, chubby cheeked, cottage cheesed, fat bottomed Cleveland Browns.  The Dawgs, were just that, of the +11 1/2 point variety.  And even though it seemed that everything I had touched the last two weeks had turned to mush, there was no way the Ravens wouldn’t cover.  There was no way Cleveland was going to show up as anything other than the triple chined, thunder thighed chick at the end of the bar.  And much like Mark Grace, I slapped that thigh and rode the wave right out of my slump.  

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A Gamblers Dream…

Are you kidding me??  This is not happening.  

Georgia Tech only giving -13.5 at Duke.  The #7 team in the country playing a powder puff this week and the number is less than 2 TD’s.  I took that game without even blinking, final score GT49- Dukeies 10.  Next, on the menu, my eyes wandered over to the Cardinal of Standford, going into the house that Pete built and taking on a diminished Carroll led Trojans.  Surely, USC giving only 10.5 would handle Jim’s Harbaugh’s future doctors and lawyers.  I mean, USC has to still be embarrassed by the game 2 years ago when Stanford, 40 point DOGS handed USC the loss.  My disdain for USC allowed me to enjoy that Stanford victory 2 years ago, and helped me in taking Stanford this past weekend.  Stanford 55- USC 21…  2-0 baby!!

As usual, at this point I thinking, only 3 more games, and it’s yours.  I jumped into Big Ten action and immediately caught the Hawkeye fever.  Sure, they were going into the Horseshoe, but getting 17 is a huge number.  Remember Iowa is a team that plays nearly everyone closely.  Their defense is fairly solid and even without their quarterback there was no reason to let this dog lie.  I took Iowa and watched as they lost in OT 27-24.  With the 17 on the front end, this was an easy winner. 

The only time I really broke a sweat was watching the Irish, led by Mr. Weis.  Is this experiment over yet?  Charlie, first, wipe your nose off, we can all see the snot running down your face.  Next, give us a reason to believe you deserve another year.  Any wins against a Top 20 yet, nope.  Sure, you have flashy rings and a stunning physique, but your not doing nearly enough in South Bend and the time has come to pack your bags.  This was it, ND was gonna finally win against a Top 20, and Pittsburgh was giving 7.  Well, I was wrong, the Irish had a chance near the end to actually win the game, however ended losing 22-27, but with my 7 on the front end, BAM 4-0.

Here I was, sitting 4-0 and my hopes all riding on Oregon and if they can hold off Arizona State, and not just bet them, but pound them by 19+.  Sure the Ducks have been just crushing everyone since the first lose at the Blue Abyss earlier this season, but 19 is a big number.  4th quarter… not up by enough, bam, just then FG and finally another with less than 2 minutes to ice it, Oregon 44 – Arizona State 21.

My sensational Saturday, 5-0 without really even breaking a sweat.  Those of us that play the spread, know the feeling of that sweet temptation offered to us.  The delight in watching as our team covers, or the dog awakens, allowing us the savory taste of victory.  Sure the financial reward is fulfilling, but the knowledge of knowing WE picked the right team, is oh so satisfying. 

Parlay those picks together, on a $100 bet, and I just walked away with a cool $2500.  Only one problem… I didn’t play.  I had the winners written down before the games started, and just didn’t pull the trigger.

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Bad News Bears

cutler2 Wow! Just when you think it can’t get any worse….

I don’t even know where to begin.  I might as well start with Cutler.  The honeymoon is officially over.  5 INTs (2 more in the Red Zone) bringing his yearly total to 17.  People are jumping off the Jay Cutler bandwagon faster than Paris Hilton spreads ’em on a first date.  There is no way to defend him, well that is unless you’re wearing a Niners jersey.  Let me be clear: Cutler’s performance last night was atrocious.  No question.  His poor decision making and his continued inability to protect the ball in the Red Zone is unacceptable.  Plain and simple.  But please, let’s not lose perspective.

Sports talk is a buzz this morning with callers screaming for the return of Kyle Orton.  Have we completely lost our collective Bear minds?  Yes, Cutler has 17 picks on the year.  But he has also thrown 14 TDs.  Orton has 9. Nine, with a MUCH superior group of receivers.  Cutler is solely responsible for 2 of the Bears 4 wins.  Both the Steeler game and the Seahawk game, the Bears won because of Cutler and in spite of the rest of the team.  Games in which, let me assure you, Orton would not have won.  You take the good with the bad when it comes to Cutler.  He is still young.  He is a young gunslinger.  You are going to get games like last night and the Green Bay game.  But you are also going to get games in which he takes the team upon his shoulders and wins them because of his pure athletic ability and his fearlessness.  The same fearlessness that sometimes gets him into trouble.  Again, I’m not defending his terrible performance last night. He must get better.  But that will come with time, experience, and maturity.  And most of all, by improving the players around him.  For now, I’ll take the good with the bad.  I’m just afraid Cutler’s disaster last night is clouding the big picture.

The Bears are just not a very good team.  They have lost 4 of the last 5 games, going 1-4 after the bye.  They have been outscored 123 – 81 in those games and if you take out the Cleveland game (because let’s face it, the Browns are not a real NFL team) it gets even worse at 117 – 51.  You can’t blame that all on Jay.

Our so-called #1 receiver had three consecutive plays that consisted of a false start, a holding penalty, and falling down that caused an interception.  There is no running game.  Pass protection is a joke.  There were multiple delay of games — one coming on a FG attempt!  The D played well last night, but still didn’t make any big plays.  The Lance Briggs pick was void because of an offsides penalty and a Tillman forced fumble was recovered by Frisco.  There is no player or coach that is innocent in the homicide of the 2009 season.

And on a side note — the NFL Network is awful.  The camera angles suck, the audio sucks, and they don’t even show down and distance.  BRUTAL.

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Moobs…

Here I sit, waiting for my 1 hour flight to Detroit from Chicago, and of course I’m on a 1 hour delay.  As I gaze thoughtlessly into the crowd of strangers parading past me, it occurs to me, the man boob is becoming ever more ever-present.  One might ask, how do I notice this, and it is simply, how can I not.  This mysterious male feature has really taken shape over the past few years.  Much like the female version, it comes in all shapes and sizes, however us males typically have to earn ours.  There is no special formula that leads us to these flabby protrusions other than lack of exercise, too much gourmet fast food, and of course the sweet nectar of barley and hops.  Apparently there is some mumbo jumbo about a health disorder leading to this fabulous flab, but that is just heresay in my world.

moobsBoth young and old are affected alike.  College aged males slothed through the terminals, man jugs a bouncing, obvious victims of a lifestyle consisting of large amounts of mountain dew and Taco Bell all while playing mind numbing hours of Halo.  Middle aged weekend warriors were not stonewalled with the effects either.  These gladiators of recreational action have spent countless years packing on the muscle only to fall victim of the inevitable gain of extra pounds leading to a blubber infusion near the pectoral region. 

Then there’s the mammoth of the species.  This slow-moving behemoth has long ago decided that physical fitness was a passing fad that he had no interest in partaking in.  Not hard to spot, but fewer and fewer throughout the terminals, I was able to observe 3 of these special creatures (lucky enough to watch as 1 was in their natural habit, Potbelly Sandwiches, engulfing a 9 inch monster and 44oz coke; I spied another 7 inch delight in a bag on the table, perhaps a pre-flight 3 bites before boarding).

It was than that I was struck, my focus wasn’t as much based on the development of these man cans, but rather the tighter then Shawn Merriman’s hands around Tila Tequila’s neck, shirts being worn.  At some point, men decided to wear shirts that no longer providing the baggy protection from displaying their over juggly chesticles but rather squeeze into Ed Hardy’s overpriced, over-revealing creations. 

So dudes, the time has come for action.  Much like when we try to warn our buddies about the fury he is going to unleash by attempting to wrangle that hairy chinned, gorilla at the end of the bar, after 9 drinks (see Devious Scale), we must act and warn them about their mitties.  There are only 3 acceptable ways of doing this.  First, straight out, matter of fact, i.e. “Dude, new shirt… not good, your flab is flying, control that.”  Second, constant ball busting, typically within a larger group of male friends at a sporting event or in the local watering hole.  The cohort must consist of a minimum of three close friends in which have the freedom to bust balls at will because of past catastrophe that they helpjon-gosselin-932ed you avert in another 11 drink episode (see Devious Scale) in which the wildebeest at the circle table in the corner was snorting at you in delight.

Finally, the final way to force your friend into wearing a bigger shirt is by a constant barrage of purple nurples and titty twisters.  Engage this attack at a moment when defense systems have not yet been deployed, bringing attention to the weakened area in hopes that the thin fabric of Affliction and Ed Hardy (see side picture of douche bag —>) will never grace those shoulders again (or at least until he supports those moobs). 

The fact is, guys get fat, fine, but for the love of everything holy… wear a bigger shirt!!  I speak for society, we do not want to see the outlines of your chubby, hairy nipples, followed by the banana shaped bouncing that burns into our retina’s, leaving us simply dumbstruck.

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Milton Bradley

With the GM meetings underway, the topic most Cubs fans are discussing is Milton Bradley.  We all know Cubs GM Jim Hendry took a big chance bringing the highly volatile Bradley to Chicago last spring.  It undeniably turned into one of the worst free agent disasters in Cubs history.  Bradley was not only a major bust on the field, but was a cancer in the clubhouse and a total distraction off the field.  Proving once again that a zebra doesn’t change its stripes.  So now the question becomes, how do the Cubs get rid of this guy, get someone in return and do so without having to eat all of his remaining $9.6 million in total salary?  There have been numerous trade rumors.  Reports say the Cubs have been in talks with the Mets about Bradley for Luis Castillo and the Rays regarding a Bradley for Pat Burrel deal.  Texas has longed been rumored to be willing to take Bradley back.  However, it was never known under what circumstances.  ESPN is now reporting that the deal could include swapping Bradley for RHP Kevin Millwood.  I’m not quite sure what the right move is here.  I’m wondering what all of our “Gators” out there think.  So, here is our first poll:

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Things we should all learn in high school

Let me drop some score on what Ice Man touched on…

‘I thought high school games were played on Friday’ – Troy Aikman on the Bears performance against the Arizona Cardinals.

Never fall in love with the hottest girl in your high school; she always ends up to be a dissapointment a few years down the road. She’ll flaunt that 18-yr old figure but a few years of campus binge drinking always brings out the best in everyone. Three years later, you’ll wonder why you sacrificed all that time with her while watching all those ‘other girls’…more deserving girls get that ring on their finger they rightfully deserved. I’m a victim of my own advice. The once swarming, ball hawking, opportunistic, 11-man shield protecting the goal posts on the lake front has been reduced to shell of its former self. The 2006 prom queen, prude and impreganable without prophylactics is now washed up and has the likes of Tim Hightower ‘running up in it.’ When did she become so easy? It’s a damn shame, she used to look sooooo good…mmmm.

The Bengals remind me of another thing I learned in high school. You know that girl that never really looked that attractive…always got in trouble…didn’t have her shit together so you paid her no mind? Well boys, always be nice to her because you never know what she will turn out to be. A few years down the road when you and your buddies are trying to run game at the local watering hole, she’s going to walk in. Tossing that shiny hair over her shoulder and flaunting that ass. Her once-unapproachable personality blossumed and you find that she is no longer the socially awkard ‘troubled’ girl…rather she’s the talk of the bar, turning all heads while your boy mumurs… ‘Isn’t that what’s her face?’ You can’t believe it…what the fuck happened here? She used to be a big mess and while she might not be ‘championship’ material, you know damn well that she’s going to see a ring far faster than the rag doll your dating…even if its only a cheap engagement ring with ‘AFC Champion’ engraved on it. It all comes full circle…just as fitting as watching Ced Benson come back and run right over you, and when its happens you’re going to turn to your buddy as say, ‘You know we used to date, right?’

Bullshit…and if you did, then you shouldn’t have been so quick to dump her. Idiot. But I guess that your Forte when your Thomas ‘Jones-in’, huh?

Well, since 2006, the Bears have had my cheap engagement ring…NFC Champion, but she’s not what she used to be…and at this point…with her current qualities and disasterous make-up… I think we are just forever engaged. She’s never going get her ‘wedding’ ring. What a bitch.

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