Author Archives: IceMan011

Ice it…

Do you like winning??  Without second thought, hell yes should have been your answer… and if you want to win this weekend, you came to the right place.  I’ve had Ice water running through my veins lately and this weekend will be no different.  Get to the window, and get ready to fill those pockets with some coin.

Cal @ Stanford / Stanford giving 8…

This Pac-10 beauty has the #17 Cardinal hosting the #25 Cal Bears.  Sure, Cal brings in a wonderfully talented running back Jahvid Best, averaging 6.1 yds a carry and an impressive 12 TD’s.  Only one slight problem, Best is out with a concussion.  Sure, Cal was able to handle #17 Arizona last week, but Arizona hadn’t scored 139 points over the last 3 games destroying the #8 and #9 team in the country.  That distinction belongs to the Jim Harbaugh led Cardinal.  These future lawyers and doctors are crushing teams as of late, and that doesn’t stop this weekend.  Giving only 8 to a Bestless Cal team… Cal is toast.  Stanford wins this game by at least 17 making this win a breeze for us gamble Gaters.  Take Stanford and enjoy the show.

Oregon @ Arizona / Ducks giving 6

Next up for my parlay pleasure, brings me back to the Pac-10 for some west coast delight.  The Ugly Ducks of Oregon are traveling down to face off against the Desert Swarm.  Big problem for the Swarm, they have yet to face a Top 25 this year and Oregon brings in the #11 team in the country and horrible uniforms.  I am not sure which is going to be uglier, watching Arizona’s defense try to stop an offense averaging 37.1 PPG or the terrible yellow/green combination that Oregon wears on occasion (and what the hell are those feathers on their shoulder pads).  Lagarrette Blount, the kid who threw the punch heard around the world, is back in the lineup for Oregon.  I don’t anticipate seeing much of him, but Oregon isn’t going to need him to knock these guys out.  Giving Arizona less than a touchdown, Oregon wins big.  Take them and rejoice.

UConn @ Notre Dame / ND giving 6

Interesting game… The tubby Weis has his hands full with national speculation that he is out at the end of the year, and I don’t disagree.  Mr. SuperBowl rings hasn’t done squat (and I mean nothing at all, not the exercise squats, although those are clearly not being done either) since taking the job nearly 5 years ago.  He has some nice talent on that squad with more than a few guys moving onto a Sunday schedule in the near future.  That just makes his failures even more concerning.  All that talent, yet not one victory against a Top 20, ever, ouch big fella.  An inspired UConn team comes to South Bend getting 6 points and I am all about it.  UConn has lost their 5 games by a total of 15 points.  Couple that with ND’s traditional Stanford match-up next week, and you have a recipe for a UConn win.  This game being at ND makes no difference to me, UConn on national TV getting 6, I love it… Take UConn, look for the snotty nosed Weis to be whining on the sideline all day, and laugh all the way to the window as you collect your winnings, baby!!!

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A Gamblers Dream…

Are you kidding me??  This is not happening.  

Georgia Tech only giving -13.5 at Duke.  The #7 team in the country playing a powder puff this week and the number is less than 2 TD’s.  I took that game without even blinking, final score GT49- Dukeies 10.  Next, on the menu, my eyes wandered over to the Cardinal of Standford, going into the house that Pete built and taking on a diminished Carroll led Trojans.  Surely, USC giving only 10.5 would handle Jim’s Harbaugh’s future doctors and lawyers.  I mean, USC has to still be embarrassed by the game 2 years ago when Stanford, 40 point DOGS handed USC the loss.  My disdain for USC allowed me to enjoy that Stanford victory 2 years ago, and helped me in taking Stanford this past weekend.  Stanford 55- USC 21…  2-0 baby!!

As usual, at this point I thinking, only 3 more games, and it’s yours.  I jumped into Big Ten action and immediately caught the Hawkeye fever.  Sure, they were going into the Horseshoe, but getting 17 is a huge number.  Remember Iowa is a team that plays nearly everyone closely.  Their defense is fairly solid and even without their quarterback there was no reason to let this dog lie.  I took Iowa and watched as they lost in OT 27-24.  With the 17 on the front end, this was an easy winner. 

The only time I really broke a sweat was watching the Irish, led by Mr. Weis.  Is this experiment over yet?  Charlie, first, wipe your nose off, we can all see the snot running down your face.  Next, give us a reason to believe you deserve another year.  Any wins against a Top 20 yet, nope.  Sure, you have flashy rings and a stunning physique, but your not doing nearly enough in South Bend and the time has come to pack your bags.  This was it, ND was gonna finally win against a Top 20, and Pittsburgh was giving 7.  Well, I was wrong, the Irish had a chance near the end to actually win the game, however ended losing 22-27, but with my 7 on the front end, BAM 4-0.

Here I was, sitting 4-0 and my hopes all riding on Oregon and if they can hold off Arizona State, and not just bet them, but pound them by 19+.  Sure the Ducks have been just crushing everyone since the first lose at the Blue Abyss earlier this season, but 19 is a big number.  4th quarter… not up by enough, bam, just then FG and finally another with less than 2 minutes to ice it, Oregon 44 – Arizona State 21.

My sensational Saturday, 5-0 without really even breaking a sweat.  Those of us that play the spread, know the feeling of that sweet temptation offered to us.  The delight in watching as our team covers, or the dog awakens, allowing us the savory taste of victory.  Sure the financial reward is fulfilling, but the knowledge of knowing WE picked the right team, is oh so satisfying. 

Parlay those picks together, on a $100 bet, and I just walked away with a cool $2500.  Only one problem… I didn’t play.  I had the winners written down before the games started, and just didn’t pull the trigger.

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Moobs…

Here I sit, waiting for my 1 hour flight to Detroit from Chicago, and of course I’m on a 1 hour delay.  As I gaze thoughtlessly into the crowd of strangers parading past me, it occurs to me, the man boob is becoming ever more ever-present.  One might ask, how do I notice this, and it is simply, how can I not.  This mysterious male feature has really taken shape over the past few years.  Much like the female version, it comes in all shapes and sizes, however us males typically have to earn ours.  There is no special formula that leads us to these flabby protrusions other than lack of exercise, too much gourmet fast food, and of course the sweet nectar of barley and hops.  Apparently there is some mumbo jumbo about a health disorder leading to this fabulous flab, but that is just heresay in my world.

moobsBoth young and old are affected alike.  College aged males slothed through the terminals, man jugs a bouncing, obvious victims of a lifestyle consisting of large amounts of mountain dew and Taco Bell all while playing mind numbing hours of Halo.  Middle aged weekend warriors were not stonewalled with the effects either.  These gladiators of recreational action have spent countless years packing on the muscle only to fall victim of the inevitable gain of extra pounds leading to a blubber infusion near the pectoral region. 

Then there’s the mammoth of the species.  This slow-moving behemoth has long ago decided that physical fitness was a passing fad that he had no interest in partaking in.  Not hard to spot, but fewer and fewer throughout the terminals, I was able to observe 3 of these special creatures (lucky enough to watch as 1 was in their natural habit, Potbelly Sandwiches, engulfing a 9 inch monster and 44oz coke; I spied another 7 inch delight in a bag on the table, perhaps a pre-flight 3 bites before boarding).

It was than that I was struck, my focus wasn’t as much based on the development of these man cans, but rather the tighter then Shawn Merriman’s hands around Tila Tequila’s neck, shirts being worn.  At some point, men decided to wear shirts that no longer providing the baggy protection from displaying their over juggly chesticles but rather squeeze into Ed Hardy’s overpriced, over-revealing creations. 

So dudes, the time has come for action.  Much like when we try to warn our buddies about the fury he is going to unleash by attempting to wrangle that hairy chinned, gorilla at the end of the bar, after 9 drinks (see Devious Scale), we must act and warn them about their mitties.  There are only 3 acceptable ways of doing this.  First, straight out, matter of fact, i.e. “Dude, new shirt… not good, your flab is flying, control that.”  Second, constant ball busting, typically within a larger group of male friends at a sporting event or in the local watering hole.  The cohort must consist of a minimum of three close friends in which have the freedom to bust balls at will because of past catastrophe that they helpjon-gosselin-932ed you avert in another 11 drink episode (see Devious Scale) in which the wildebeest at the circle table in the corner was snorting at you in delight.

Finally, the final way to force your friend into wearing a bigger shirt is by a constant barrage of purple nurples and titty twisters.  Engage this attack at a moment when defense systems have not yet been deployed, bringing attention to the weakened area in hopes that the thin fabric of Affliction and Ed Hardy (see side picture of douche bag —>) will never grace those shoulders again (or at least until he supports those moobs). 

The fact is, guys get fat, fine, but for the love of everything holy… wear a bigger shirt!!  I speak for society, we do not want to see the outlines of your chubby, hairy nipples, followed by the banana shaped bouncing that burns into our retina’s, leaving us simply dumbstruck.

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High School football on Sunday?

Troy Aikman hit the nail on the head when he spouted out the soon to be infamous line “I thought they played high school football on Friday’s.”  This of course was in to reference to the absolute thumping that our “Monsters of the Midway” took this weekend.  Monsters, ha, how far we have come in such a short time.  The team was frightening in how fast they got to the ball, how quickly they created turnovers, how well they ran the ball offensively and controlled the clock, and when we needed a big play, we remember Devin Hester being “ridiculous.”  The only thing frightening about this team is wondering if we have to deal with Lovie Smith again next year.  That is down right terrifying.  Hey Lovie, knock knock… Lovie, u there?  Hellooooo?!?!?  I started keeping track throughout the game of how many times the camera focused on Lovie’s expressionless face on the sideline after the Bears screwed themselves, time and time again. 

Tommie Harris lays a haymaker on a defenseless player — Lovie nothing.  The defense gets shredded five straight possessions for scores– Lovie nothing.  False Start 63, false start 57, false start… aw hell, the whole damn team moved that play in the third quarter — Lovie nothing.  The very best moment for me came in the first half, near the beginning of the second quarter.  Arizona was already pulling away winning 14-7 and driving.  Moments before that, the cameras panned down to the field and there was the fearless defensive coordinator, Lovie, directly and motivating his players (Yes… the defensive is going to play inspired now, they just got a very subtle scolding–we all know Lovie doesn’t yell at his guys on the field, and they will stop the Cards).  What a joke…. the next three possessions, TD, TD, and FG leading to a 31-7 halftime score.  Mr Score hit with me this little nugget this morning, the Bears hadn’t allowed 31 points in the first half 2 times in the last 90 YEARS, Lovie’s boys managed to allow that the last 2 of 3 games.

Not all the blame falls on the head coach.  We have all heard it before, he’s not playing, he’s not the one making tackles and throwing the ball.  The hell with that logic, he is directing the players and he is supposed to be putting the players into positions to succeed.  This team is old, undermanned and displays to many of  the tendencies of a poorly coached team.  No imagination on offense, no number 1 receiver, no pass rushing end, no DT creating havoc up the middle, 1 corner who can’t tackle because he wants a damn fumble, the safeties have to support way to much, and that is just a few of the issues, and by the way no first or second round picks this upcoming year. 

The fact is we don’t need a guy ranting and raving up and down the sidelines for 60 minutes, but in a city built on hard-nosed football, that’s what we want.  Iron Mike made his mistakes sure, but at least he didn’t blow smoke up our ass about his team.  If his team stunk, he knew it and he would tell you.  Hey Lovie, your team stinks, it’s clear you don’t know that yet.

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“The Devious Scale”

For those who will frequent this site, you will become accustomed to a buddy of mine… DeviousCycles.  Throughout time, he has come up with the “Devious Scale.”  It needed to be posted in a formal setting, so without further ado…. Enjoy and use with caution!!! 

***side note, this scale can be used from female to male as wellanheuser_busch_beer

“THE DEVIOUS SCALE”

 So I am out with friends at the local “sippy sip joint”, and the most scrumptious of all tasty ladies walks by me, looking and smelling just as fantastic as she could be! I had to point her out to my buddy and add  the simple comment of, “Wow, I don’t need a single drink to drink her pretty! SHE IS AMAZING!” And that was the birth of my new number scale for the honies.

The scale most men and even women understand and use on a daily basis is 1-10.

#1 being “HOLY HELL!!! GET IT AWAY!!!”

#10 being “HOLY HELL!!! BRING THAT MY WAY I SAY!!!”

My scale, “THE DEVIOUS SCALE”,  is also a 1-10, but works a little different.

My numbers are not numerals used as an adjective. They are the number of beers I need to say to myself, “OH YA!!! I HAVE TO HAVE THAT  T O N I G H T !!!!”

She could be cute, but not real cute. So she could easily be a 3 on “THE DEVIOUS SCALE”, maybe a 4.

MEANING…..

MY A$$ NEEDS 3 OR 4 BEERS TIL SHE IS PRETTY ENOUGH FOR ME!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!

What an awesome scale right!?!?!

Though there is a scale tipper.

“THE DEVIOUS SCALE” can only be tipped on special occasions such as if you and the boys are looking to go out HOGGIN!

Well…… then the 1-10 scale is out the window and you are easily looking into finishing off a keg to get that mamoth of jelly with a neatly trimmed beard to look even remotely attractive.

This is a dangerous side of  “THE DEVIOUS SCALE”, and if ever you see a woman that you feel may pass the 9 or 10 mark on the scale and may just be a scale tipper, beware my friend! You may want to stop & do a shot because you are about to unleash fury when that gorilla you are trying to tag that night says….. “OK!  I WILL!!!”

Try it….. use it…. love it…. LIVE IT!!!!

“THE DEVIOUS SCALE” is a good time and helps with a night of what if’s.

Just do it right, have fun, & use “THE DEVIOUS SCALE”!

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Put it on Ice….

green-bay-packers-logoTime to get serious….  the weekend is upon us and it’s time to make some coin.  Only 3 home dogs this week and I’m not liking any of them.  As a matter of fact I like the first one going the other way.  GB Packers (yes, I still can’t stand them) are giving 10 against the Bucs.  Aaron Rodgers is the most sacked QB in the league, 31 times, yet he still manages to have a passer rating of 110.4 (calling Jay Cutler… yes this proves that you can still be highly effective when getting pressured).  Line that up against a defense without Monte Kiffin directing the ship, Ice it baby, 31-10 winner.

VINYLMAGNET-SEAHAWKSSeattle has the miserable, yet not as bad as 2008 but why do we have to watch them on Thanksgiving every year, Lions at home giving 10.  At home this year against Jacksonville and St. Louis,  two teams considered to be in the same realm of the crap produced in Detroit, went into Seattle and got Haumillered on (for those who don’t know, haumiller is another way of saying dumped, craped, pooped, shatted on.. it was introduced by my buddy Deviouscycles, who has a way with words).  Both the Rams and Jags didn’t even cross the goal line.  I expect the Lions to score something, perhaps 6 in an effort in which Seattle puts up 27, Ice it….

Kid, those are the first two that really jump at me…. hit us with your thoughts.

 

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Spike the Eyes…

This past weekeyesend, Brandon Spikes, starting linebacker for University of Florida decided it wasn’t enough to tackle the runner, but he wanted to RIP his EYES out.  How does the UOF respond, their fearless leader decides that a one HALF suspension against Vanderbilt is the way to go.  Seriously ???  One HALF???  This player intentionally tried to gouge the eyes of another player and the response is weak, at best.

It gets better, after Urban felt the heat from the national media, he decided it was best to sit him the whole game.  Whoa, Mr. Meyer, did you come up with that all alone, or was it the player’s decision, hmmm.  There are rumblings that the PLAYER himself asked to sit out a full game.  Interesting, that the mature adults in charge of the situation had deemed it wasn’t necessary to sit the whole game, but the 22-year-old kid did.  Perhaps it’s just my disdain for Florida football, or perhaps that there clearly should have been a full game suspension and a statement from the football program immediately. 

 

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